“If I’m wanting a relationship than I must not be fully happy on my own. And if I’m not fully happy on my own. Then I am not fully in my power. Which means I can’t be attracting the man I want because I have to be happy and in alignment, first, right?” she said choking up a little bit.
I could hear her pain and the soft sense of failure in her voice.
I knew her thoughts well.
“There is still something wrong with me.”
“There must be something I still need to fix.”
“Otherwise he would have shown up by now, right?”
I could relate.
It’s super common for women, especially women who have done a lot of work on themselves and who have busted their asses to build a life they love, to feel this way and experience these ghostly doubts.
I see you sister and I’m here with a peace offering.
So listen up.
You are not any less independent, powerful, awesome, or badass for wanting a relationship.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting a relationship and a partner to adore.
This does NOT make you weak.
This does NOT make you fake in your success.
This does NOT make you incomplete.
Letting yourself want this thing, that you already want but have been hiding from, make you honest.
It makes you authentic.
It makes you resilient, exquisite, and brave.
Giving yourself permission to feel your real yearning makes you courageous and strong and true and, above all, trustworthy with your dreams.
There are so many of us out there working hard ourselves the success we want in life and work. And while we don’t want to admit it, for a lot of us there is a little cloud of sadness that hangs out behind the scenes reminding us that we don’t have the relationship we want.
We notice it more when we get an invitation to a wedding and we don’t have a +1.
Or when we win tickets for 2 to a cool sporting event or concert, and all of our girl friends are busy so we’re left holding the remembrance of his absence in our life.
Or our friends are having a dinner party and we’re the one person without a date. Again.
Or we want to buy a house, but we always dreamed of doing it with him.
Or we want to plan a trip, and while traveling independently is great, we’ve done that a lot and we are ready to do it with the man we love…
I was the 5th wheel for the better part of 7 years. My two best friends had amazing partners and I was the one switching back and forth from intentional singleness to the revolving door of “guys I went on a few dates with.” I was the most eligible bachelorette my friends knew. And honestly, it sucked in those special moments.
Missing the relationship you don’t have does not mean you are faking loving your life. It means there is something you want for yourself that is totally valid and integral to your desire profile that you haven’t truly created space for yet.
I know this because human beings are masters at coping and numbing to that things that we want but that hurt to want. We avoid them. We feel like we have done everything! But the wisest, most honest part of us knows that there are more stones to be turned over. That really we have been avoiding the thing that scares us because if we look at it, we are confronted with the fear that we might never have it. And yet by not looking at it, we are greatly increasing the possibility of that most unwanted reality.
So own it. Own the yearning. Honor it. Welcome it into your life because it is a part of you and as long as you leave it out in the cold you are leaving a part of yourself out in the cold.
I see you.
I see that it hurts.
It hurts because it’s that important to you.
And that’s okay!
In fact, it’s really fucking beautiful that you are capable of such yearning.
Especially that you are capable of yearning for something that you’re not even sure exists!
That is magic, my love.
Giving yourself permission to want something is courageous as fuck. Far more courageous than striving to the unreasonable expectation that “you should he happy without it”. I’m not going to tell you to be happy without friendship, or happy without enriching experiences, or happy without a home environment that makes you feel safe and held.
Can you be? Yes, I’m sure you can.
But instead I would encourage you to build those friendships, invite in those experiences, create that home… I’m not going to tell you to sit back and “not look for it because that is when it will find you”.
You wanting a relationship is a gorgeous thing and I am here on it’s behalf to advocate for you recognizing it and choosing it.
For yourself and for your future partner’s sake!
Choose the love you really want!
And when you’re ready, send me a message and say “I’m ready for my love story!” and I can help you attract the man and relationship you really want.