The next salient lesson I learned at Dan Savage’s book launch event, came nested under the assertion that gay men are better at sex (and have way more of it) than straight people.

So, let’s talk about why gay men have better, more frequent sex, than straight people.

In explaining what he meant by this Savage argued there were a couple of reasons for why this is so.

The first being that gay men are compelled to communicate about sex in a way that most heterosexual people can and do fully avoid… and that the compulsion and ability to communicate around sex makes them better lovers.

Secondly, he explains that gay men don’t just define sex as penetration and so they are free to have more sexual encounters that are pleasurable that then make saying “yes” to sex not only easier but something you want to say yes to more often.

Why is this important for straight people to understand?

Well, Savage explained that he still regularly receives questions like “why doesn’t my girlfriend want sex as much as I do?” or “how can I get my girlfriend to want to have more sex with me?” from college-aged, straight guys.

In order to help his young, straight, male-readers understand why women might not be so keen on consenting to sex (because in herteronormative sexual culture that usually means consenting to penetration), he said he asks this simple question:

“How would you feel if everytime you agreed to have sex it meant that you got %&$#?@! in the ass? Do you think that you might consent to sex a lot less often?”

As one, we – the audience, burst into a relieved, titillated, nervous laughter – the straight women feeling seen, and the straight men nervously getting it.

This isn’t to say that people with vaginas don’t like to be penetrated, but being penetrated is an incredibly vulnerable and physical experience, regardless of which orifice.

In other words, the answer was, yes – sex would happen less often.

And it is here that he invites us to broaden our definition of what we count as sex.

If we can broaden our definition of sex to include a wider array or erotic and pleasurable acts, then we open ourselves up to have a new, more welcoming association of what consenting to sex means.


If our definition of sex means that we get to enjoy erotic pleasure together more often without a commitment to PinV or PinB, then the barrier to entry is lowered.

Then coming together sexually becomes more exciting and magnetic to all parties, and more frequent yes’s can become a natural byproduct of a more welcoming definition of sex.

(Also, let’s not forget the heteronormative pressure placed on men to “perform” and last as many aerobic hours in bed as possible, that has more to do with characterizations depicted in mainstream porn than what feminine-bodied partners actually want in bed.)

What I loved about this line of inquiry was that Savage was putting into words something that I had never thought out loud about before.


I do feel an immense amount of pressure around sex, even the saying “no” to it, and his argument for broadening the definition felt liberating.

I love the idea that it all gets to be sex.


That I can connect intimately with my partner and everything gets to count!

This feels right up the alley of my values around abundance, and creativity, and being reverently deviant.

Before I sign off, this relates well to Episode 4 of my podcast all about daring to define your sexuality on your own terms…

So go forth, get deviant, and learn from people who look differently from you and love more creatively than you.

All you have to gain is fulfillment and all you have to lose are your limitations!

XOXO,

Theora


In my next blog I’ll be sharing what I learned from Dan Savage about The Importance of Jerks like Bill Maher (my words, not his).

P.S. Here is a 4-minute video where Dan Savage answers the question “What can straight people learn from gay people about sex?”

P.P.S. Want to buy your own copy of Savage Love A to Z, you can get it here! (Our favorite, independent, black-owned bookstore doesn’t carry it yet so I tried to find the next best thing.)