On a recent Saturday afternoon I went to a book signing at Mississippi Studios here in Portland, OR.
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It was for Dan Savage’s new book, Savage Love A to Z.
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Aside from the fact that it felt friggin’ incredible to be at a mentally stimulating, anecdotal lecture in a theater full of people for the first time in over a year and a half… the content was objectively great.
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Intelligent and funny. My favorite kind of entertainment.
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One of the things I love about Dan Savage is that I always learn something new, and this book launch event delivered handsomely.
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I’m going to share three things I learned from Dan Savage’s stories and reflections that I hope sparks some curiosity and introspection for you as well.
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The first thing that struck me was a seemingly innocuous question…​
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And it’s something that, apparently, gay men do with just about every amorous encounter, that straight people do not.
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Typically, when straight people get to that moment of “yes, we’re doing this” when it comes to sex, that tends to be the end of communication between parties.
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But when gay men get to that moment of “yes, we’re doing this” it’s the beginning of communication.
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Unlike in heternormative sex, there is not an assumed linear end point of achieving penetration, or as Savage calls it PinV.
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Once enthusiastic consent has been established, gay men ask and explore the question:

“What are you into?”

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“It’s an incredibly empowering question, because you can rule anything in and anything out.” ~ Dan Savage

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This seems unbelievably straightforward and obvious, but re-examining my own experiences and then conferring with my straight friends after the event, we all agreed that this question very rarely gets asked… if ever.
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A non-monogamous audience member then raised his hand and asked for advice.
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“I’ve had two experiences recently where I asked my partners (female-identified) ‘what are you into?’ And their response was ‘whatever you’re into.’ What would you recommend?”
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To which Dan said, “I would recommend that at that point you stop and don’t have sex with them.”
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And proceeded to explain what he meant.

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A vague answer like this does not create the boundaries and agreements required to create safety.

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​There needs to be some kind of guidelines in order for consent to be sustained.​
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With his signature brand of irreverence and compassion he posited a few reasons for why this man’s partners may have responded the way they did.
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First, since they are straight, and women, they may have never been asked that question and so did not know their answer.
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Secondly, since they had been socialized as females, one of the things that they have implicitly and explicitly been told is to be pleasing to the male gaze and their male partners above all else.
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In other words, want what he wants…
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In all likelihood, they had probably never even asked themselves… “What am I into? What do I like? What don’t I like?” for fear of retribution – anything from being slut-shamed to prude-shamed to physically harmed (yes, this is still the world we live in).
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He pointed out that if the audience member proceeded, but “guessed wrong” he may have ended up causing his partner(s) life-long trauma, and that should be enough for any ethical lover – monogamous or otherwise – to slow things down until mutual understanding is achieved explicitly, out loud, and with enthusiasm.

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As this conversation was unfolding I naturally asked myself the question (as I’m sure you are while you read this):
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What am I into?​
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And I realized that so much of what I am into right now, I don’t know how to communicate effectively.
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For example, right now I am into slowness.
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But if I said to my partner “go slower”, what does that actually mean?
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Does that mean waiting longer to be physically intimate?
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Or does that literally mean slower touch?
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Or does that mean that I want to progress from one physical act to another at a slower pace?
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Or is what I really want more gentleness? More tenderness? More presence?
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Or does what I mean by slowness actually mean more anticipation, more making me wait?
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All of the above?
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My definition of slowness may be wildly different from what my partner thinks I mean, and in that grey area lies too much danger and potential for disconnect, if we want to be responsible with our intimate partners.
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So, my invitation to you is to ask yourself the question – what are you into?

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To get in the trenches with your desires and curiosities no matter how dark and perverse or sappy and vanilla they may be.
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What are you into?
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And how can you share that with someone so that they are set up for success to make you see hallelujahs and wake up the neighbors?

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And can you also make yourself a promise to bravely ask your partners present and future what they are into so that you can nourish their pleasure reserves in kind?
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What a wildly satisfied and empowered world this one question could open for us all!!
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Have fun my wildlings and enjoy what awaits you to discover about yourself and others.

Theora

xoxo
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In my next email I will be unpacking why gay men have better (more frequent) sex, than straight people and what straight folks can learn from this in order to enrich their own sexual lives more!​
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P.S. Here is a link to a 7-minute conversation on NPR between Ari Shapiro and Dan Savage, where Savage touches upon the magical 4 words “What are you into?”
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P.P.S. Want to buy your own copy of Savage Love A to Z, you can get it here! (Our favorite, independent, black-owned bookstore doesn’t carry it yet so I tried to find the next best thing.)
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P.P.P.S. Who doesn’t want relationships that are healing, fulfilling, and fun for everyone involved?

If relational intelligence, maturity, and richness are important to you, then check out The Relationship Dojo!